Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Desperate White Nerds Unite: The Story of CarlosDouh and TrueHeart101

 written by: Lionel
(editor's note: please remember this is a humor blog, some of our readers have been getting confused thinking this is a serious magazine and sending me very angry offended emails, if you get offended, please post this article on your facebook wall about how angry it makes you, we could use the hits)

I was surfing YouTube looking for some upcoming Asian Artists to promote on this blog when I found this abomination of a video instead.


If you are going to be racist, I guess "Slant Your Eyes" is better than "Shrink Your Dicks."
 
Allow me to introduce you to the two guys who are using a double-headed dildo at the :20 second mark.


Have you guys heard of Carlos Vidal aka CarlosDouh from YouTube? Probably not. He is a non-Asian guy based in Vancouver who does videos about Cantonese culture and language. His Cantonese is surprisingly good for being a non-native speaker. He looks like a mixed Latino and Caucasian guy. I am not sure of his racial background, but he does remind me of the Latino kid from “Modern Family.”

carlosdouh
Carlos's passion for Chinese food might beat out his passion for Chinese girls.




When Carlos does his Kung Fu pose, there is more Chris Farley and less Bruce Lee.
 

The other guy in the video is Adam Sadler aka TrueHeart101 who does the same shtick but with Korean culture and language.  He lived in Korea for a few years.  Don't hold me to it, but I heard he had to leave Korea because of child molestation accusations (yuck) and elderly sexual abuse (double yuck).  I am just kidding of course.  I just like to stereotype single white males as child predators and rapists.  You know, the same way they stereotyped us as rice eating, ninja, slanty eyed asians.  (Did you see the video!?!?)

trueheart101
Watch out, Korean girls!  This white oppa's Korean is so bad that when you say, "Hajima! (Stop it!)"  Adam hears, "Kajima! (Don't leave!)"  You have been warned!


Here are two videos where Carlos and Adam compete to see who has the least amount of male hormones.


First step to being more Asian, Carlos: Lose weight.


Adam should be punished for this video by being forced to become a comfort woman for Japanese soldiers.

The man with the least amount of male hormones is...Carlos!  Now for the punishment.


Carlos, you are the bottom.  Adam, you are the top.


There is nothing wrong with having genuine interest in another culture. Many problems are caused by the lack of understanding and respect of other cultures. Consequently I hate to bash Carlos and Adam for being interested in Asian culture, but what pushes these individuals away from their culture and then draws them to our culture?

Carlos and Adam are not unique. They remind me of the stereotypical guys who are in your Asian language class and your Asian student organization. They would be the ones who would surprise you by being there because 95% of the other people in the class or club would be Asian. These guys would usually be friendly and talkative. Yet, something was off about them. They were always at least a little bit awkward and weird.


This is how most of us feel when guys like Carlos and Adam come creeping around.

They didn’t fit the mold of football captains or homecoming kings. Instead, they were dorks, geeks, and nerds growing up. The years of being losers eventually drove them to our culture. The difficulty of being not accepted and being isolated pushes them to search for greener pastures. Damn it! Why are we getting the social rejects like Carlos and Adam? 


They need to be called out for what they are.  Can't Carlos and Adam see dat, yo?

Add on the fact that they had come out of a vagina and have not gone back in one since, and then you have Carlos showing at Chinese club. At best, these guys have had only sexual experience with an Asian girl. Most likely, they would have to list their right hands as their sole “Sexual Partner” if they ever went to Planned Parenthood for a STD test. 

Worse yet, they now use YouTube to try to gain fame and popularity.  Get ready for more abortions like the video below, and I really hate abortions because I am pro-life.


Part 2 gets sadder because two Asian guys degrade themselves by joining in. Carlos, I am glad that your Cantonese is so good that you can translate and tell us that the two of them are arguing about who has more slanted eyes. You know our people well.  I am surprised Carlos didn't translate them arguing about who has a smaller penis. I am offended by how racist this video is, but I am even more offended on a comedic level because the video is just plain bad.


I am reminded of a saying I learned in history class, “Princes don’t emigrate.” Immigrants who came to America were always looking for better opportunities and better lives, otherwise why would they come here? Those who were rich, powerful, and successful stayed in their native countries. I feel the same way about these guys. They are immigrants to Asian culture.

If they had it good in their culture, then why jump ship and join us? Answer: Things just weren’t working out especially when you are talking about their love lives. 

You had to learn how to pick up girls from Carlos?  Wow.  I guess it is true, "In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."  I need some help too, Carlos!  Will you teach me how to scrap at the bottom of the barrel?

When guys like Carlos and Adam come into our Asian clubs, groups, and classes and receive instant notice as something different and interesting. Instead of saying, “Wow, you know a lot of about our culture,” we should be giving these nerds the Ogre Welcome.


Which one is Carlos and which one is Adam?  Sadly, I was the guy who Ogre dropped off the balcony.


I have nothing against these guys coming in and learning about our culture. They can date and marry our women too. The Asian girls we lose to nerds like Carlos and Adam are usually the least desirable and least attractive from our group.

A good example of this is Facebook creator/nerd Mark Zuckerberg. Just take a look at his Asian girlfriend Priscilla Chan.  Zuckerberg is a man in love because he can't be about the looks and body with that girl.

What the Zuck?  Didn't you put her picture in FaceMash to see where she ranked?  The creator of Facebook doesn't care about his girlfriend's face?  Who would of thought?

Mark, we need to have a talk. Last I checked, you are worth billions and that is what you fuck in your mansion? I know she is your college sweetheart, but I can't believe you still haven't nexted her. Time for an upgrade, my friend.

I do have to say Priscilla scored big time. Priscilla, you should keep your billionaire happy with some help from the Makeup Gurus though. Check out our article on them.

Luckily, the nerds aren't able to take our Arden Cho’s. (Arden, don’t prove me wrong!)

Arden, please wait to use indoor plumbing.  This is a huge turnoff.

So why am I writing an article about these guys?  Just to make fun of them?  Come on, I am not that much of jerk.  I am a Christian, for God's sake.

I am just interested in human psychology and understanding what people’s motivations are. It is important to see some of these guys beyond the exterior. There is a reason that they are channeling so much energy towards learning about another culture. Besides looking at these guys as open minded, linguistically talented, and unique, you should wonder what motivates these guys to be so dedicated to learning and assimilating to another culture.

Look at the white guys who are hanging around you or your Asian friends. I am willing to bet they belong in my stereotype of Carlos and Adam.  Notice to Asian males: watch out because they are there to drink your milkshake.

Carlos and Adam, you are welcome.  You just got the official AATV bump!

Sidenote: Have you readers been watching "Outsourced" on NBC Thursday Nights? I think the show has found its rhythm lately.

12 comments:

  1. Hahahahha omg your point about the immigrants and how the successful ones stay in their home country is so true! Of course this doesn't cover everyone, esp in really multicultural cities, but in a general sense, it's very true haha.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are such a happy person!!! It is soooo refreshing to read unbiased, true information on the internet! Just brings a smile to my face to see all your positive energy come out. Three cheers for you and your very important post that is SO true! o0

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow! I must be getting popular for Lionel to want to take so much time and write about me! Thanks man! This is great!

    ReplyDelete
  5. thanks Andrew for your intelligent comments!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey I thought this was a comedy blog? I think someone is racist against Caucasians! I didn't know Asian Culture was only supposed to be appreciated by Asians!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Haha, Brit, I think Lionel is just jealous that these guys have better looking Asian Girlfriends than him.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is Lionel. Mr APA earlier took it upon himself to reply to Brit's comment. I think it is poor taste in light of the Japanese tsunami tragedy to focus on something as trivial as a blogpost today.

    Out of respect for the victims and their family and friends, I ask for the human decency of restraint, reflection, and mourning from Mr APA and Brit at least for one day.

    Thank you. Please donate what you can.

    With love,
    Lionel

    ReplyDelete
  9. I fear that my comment may not be taken seriously by Mr APA and Brit so I wanted to post a news article of the tragedy in Japan. It is ongoing and potentially can get worse, but I pray that it doesn't.

    After reading the article and it doesn't move you guys the way it did me, then I question your humanity.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/japan/8377506/Japan-earthquake-nuclear-disaster-fears-as-reactor-overheats.html

    With love,
    Lionel

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dude, you need to chill! You remind me of the overly sensitive black radical who sees racism in every comment. "what do mean by 'you people'...". These guys actually speak Chinese and Korean! What the hell does one have to do to not be labeled a racism? Show no interest in Asians or Asian culture at all. I do find it curious that your knee-jerk senitivity doesn't include sexism and objectifying women. Women are people, you know. Not just things to hit and objects of rape fantasies.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Perhaps we can call you the Asian Malcolm X

    ReplyDelete